Dinner: A Love Story

This is not me but I would take that kitchen any day!  Image via Pinterest.

I took the title of this post from one of my favorite blogs because I think the combination of those four words is brilliant and snarky.  Now, I realize that some parents may not think this title is snarky at all.  They may love cooking dinner for their children every night.  Maybe they derive enormous pleasure from the soft, rhythmic clanking of forks and knives, or the gentle flow of conversation, or the sense of fulfillment that comes from knowing their children are being nourished by healthy, homemade food.  But for a lot of us, dinner is a stressful affair that can end in many a frayed nerve.

I will state right now that cooking is not my forte.  I have three children under the age of six so my trips to the grocery store are all business - a complex calculation of how many aisles I can hit before my cart starts to shake with squirmy little bodies.  And my children are not great eaters so I tend to make many basic meals on repeat.  But while I chose not to expend great effort on what I make, I do spend a lot of effort on creating a calm and polite dinner environment.  I want my children to learn how to sit through a meal and then I'll start worrying about varying the foods on their plate.

On more disclaimer: we don't do a complete family dinner.  I know that we should and I wish that we could.  But my husband gets home from work around 7pm and my baby goes to sleep at 6pm.  The numbers just don't work.  So most nights the kids eat dinner first and my husband and I eat together later.  But I believe that even if dinner is pasta with butter (and some steamed broccoli on the side, I'm not that bad!) kids still need to eat with proper dinner manners.

Here are 5 starter tips for changing the dinner table from a wild circus to a tamer affair:

1. Get the sillies out.  About 10 minutes before dinner time I usually run my children around.  We have a stepping stone path outside our house and when the weather is good I take them outside to jump down the stones.  If the weather's bad I have them do jumping jacks, or put on a dance song, or tell  them to just shake the sillies out.  I don't think this physical exercise is as much about expending energy (by 5pm my kids are usually pretty tired from the day) as it is about distinguishing between play time and dinner time.  If we expect them to be well behaved, we also have to allow them time to be a little crazy.

2. Set the table.  Even if dinner is carrot sticks and a hot dog, I think there should always be a fork and napkin at the table.  Having a place setting sends the signal that dinner is an important event.  And yep, I also think that kids should be responsible for setting the table.  My three-year old loves doing getting out the napkins and forks because it is one of the few things that she can do "all by myself."  If you're kids are older and you can throw a knife into the mix, I salute you.

3. Have dinner completely ready before sitting down.  I learned this the hard way.  My girls would be hungry, I'd throw half the dinner on the table to appease them, try to finish the other half as they melted down about this or that, and end up yelling and wanting to throw all the food out the window and crawl into bed with a large glass of wine.  Now, no matter how much my children whine, I make them wait until dinner is completely ready before they sit down so that....

4. Sit down with your children and eat. .... I can sit down with them.  As I said before, my husband and I usually eat after the girls go to bed.  But I found that if I sit down and eat something, even just a small helping of whatever the kids are having, I can model good manners for them and it makes them take dinner a little more seriously.  So even if I'm having a few peas, I make sure to put my napkin in my lap and chew with my mouth closed.  Some of that polite behavior has got to magically rub off by osmosis, right?

5. Sometimes it's okay to admit defeat.  You know those evenings when everyone is tired and cranky?  Those evenings when the baby's teething, the big girls were up half the night before with bad dreams, and your babysitter called in sick?  Well, on those nights I say serve a bowl of cheerios and finish it off with a scoop of ice cream.  Because sometimes as parents, no matter how hard we try, things are going to fall apart.  Sometimes we just have to make it to bedtime.

P.S. If you want to order Jenny Rosentrach's book Dinner: A Love Story click here.  It's part memoir, part cookbook, and entirely funny.  A great read about real, modern family dinners.

My Quest Begins

My husband wants our girls to learn to speak Chinese because he thinks it will give them a natural advantage in life.  Well, that's exactly how I feel about teaching them manners.  I believe that if my children learn good manners and proper social skills, they will have an easier time navigating this crazy world.  Because here's what I'm realizing as I operate in my current universe of preschool play dates, birthday parties, and family dinners: it's not easy to teach kids manners and I'm not doing a very good job.  And most of my friends aren't doing a very good job either.

Now, in my defense, my kids are little (5, 3, and 1years old).  While I don't expect my baby's first word to be "please" (I'm really pushing for "mama"!), I do think I've been coasting for too long on the theory that my girls are young and they'll be more polite when they grow up.  It's hard to know how much I should realistically expect of kids this age.  It's much easier to excuse their lack of eye contact or inability to remember to say please on their youth.  Well, I'm done with that line of thinking.  I'm raising the bar, girls!

Any tips would be much appreciated as I start this journey.  Because first up, I'm tackling table manners.  Dinner, in particular.  The biggest, meanest, most frustrating part of my day.  Stay tuned and wish me luck!